forgotten pleasures…

Ok. I know that this is old and has been posted all over the internet, but I was rifling through my years of old emails at work and I stumbled on this and I figured that maybe it was old enough that folks could still get a little chuckle out of it…

Supposedly written by a Professor at the University of Virginia in response to a “god says no to gays” comment by Dr Laura…

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination… End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Law and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus
Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

3 Responses to “forgotten pleasures…”

  1. jon on August 11, 2007 15:07

    hey lone ranger, how you doin’?
    yeah, i love that letter, and unlike so many of those things it seems to truly come from who it is attributed to! fancy that.
    i miss nw beer! why don’t you send me a palletfull? i would really appreciate it!

  2. Ashley on August 12, 2007 00:19

    Man… I would love to send you some stuff! I just, myself, got back from the Horse Brass (easily the best bar in the NW)… If only I could remember what I had… They were out of England’s Bombardier (normally the only beer I drink there), so I had some other English ale that paled in comparison, and the I had some local Laurelwood Treehugger Porter and some (I don’t recall what brand) Imperial Stout, oh yeah, and a few sips of Laphroaig and some Cragganmore (which reminded me of my beloved Bunnahabhain)…

    You should totally come and visit some time, and bring your girl. Think of all the fine beer we could drink!

  3. Ashley on August 12, 2007 00:24

    Oh, and to answer your first question…

    I am desperately ready for the missus to be home.

    If I ever hear the thought again that one of us will travel away for a week, I will know that it is a terrible idea and the we must go together!

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